It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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