I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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