I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Randomize
