Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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