I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
