mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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