I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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