Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
