We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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