im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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