Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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