Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize