if you like me you must not know who I am
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
