Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
