I accidentally had phone sex last night
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
