this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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