i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize