Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
