Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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