Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
