if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
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