I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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