Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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