i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Randomize
