you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Randomize
