I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
