I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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