if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
