theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
