Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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