i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
