why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
