I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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