My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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