I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
smell my finger.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize