I skipped work to stalk him.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
