Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize