New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
