Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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