its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
