Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
