Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
