he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
