She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize