It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
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