Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
