You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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