I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
