I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
