i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
