If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
