I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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