I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
