can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
