I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
