I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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