I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
