I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
