My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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