my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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