our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize