I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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