A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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