I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize