I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
