I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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