I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
