Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
