420 ftw
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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