the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Randomize
