Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
