Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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